Since i can remember, I have always been a person who like to question things. For me,it is unacceptable to accept things the way it is without any proof. What is life? Who created life? Why do i live? These are among the question that pops out of my head as i grew up. I have been thinking about it since then and until today i still do...
My family have always taught me to be grateful because God has given me a chance to live in better times and places unlike them and my grandfather who strives in order to live in their times. My grandparents were a typical Dusun people. They lived and experienced how life was during the Japanese reign over Borneo. To them, Japanese people are brutal and savages. I do not blame them for thinking like that since they have only seen the dark side of the army; torturing people(their friends and families) by forcing them to drink soapy water and the worst there was, slaughtering and slicing their meat off alive till they died. If you think that was awful, there is more to it. The army drops off the meat at the victims family house and since at that time meat was a luxury...well just imagine what happen next...If all of these inhuman things happens at you, won't you be hating them as well? Hmm..i suppose i will hate those who does it but i believe not all of the Japanese are that inhuman.
Well afterward, the effect of the war to our country...and since in my mother time it was hard to support a big family( they have 9 people in family) , she was never given a chance to attend school since she have to work in order to help support her family from the age of 10. Every time i skipped school, she would be furious of me and start talking about how she who yearn to go to school was never given a chance and i, who was able to go to school with ease ungratefully skipped it. When she starts talking about the past, i can see her eyes looking sad, almost burst into tears and i will be feeling bad about myself. My mother is an incredible women you see, she has been working real hard and does a very good job nurturing her children since most of them have manage to go out into the society and able to live their life quite well...
It is not that i am not grateful to have lived in this time that can be considered quite peaceful.. it is just that i questioned what is life? what is the purpose of life? is it me or does everyone feels the same with me? it felt weird to live life without knowing what the purpose is...i still remember when i was little, before i know how to read, i have faith in god for i believe that he is the one who created life but as i grew up i began to lose faith on him. I mean, i do believe in him but most of the time, i argues about the fact in the bible...i mean aren't we suppose to not worship any statue or anything similar to it? but why does people worship god statue? these are the thing that i thought when i was 8 years old..then i learnt that those statue was a symbol of him, the cross symbolize his sacrifice for the human race...the symbol of pain and sin...but
Sometimes i felt that my life was programed, as if what i have done till now was staged...fake..but that change as i grew up...i first felt the taste of life when i found my first love...well its stupid but to me it was one of the most happiest thing that i can felt in life though it's short...if i can describe my feeling in term of taste then it probably was sweet and end with a bitter taste. I remember how she smile and how it captivate my heart..the way she shines with a glowing radiance..i say to myself..."She's the one" but sadly things don't go well as i expected..although it's sweet but good things never last...when i thought that i've found what life is...everything was back to square 1...for years i rebel..i felt the sorrow and rage inside my heart yet at the same time, i cant seem to face her cause whenever i see her..i felt the shame..the sweet moment..and the regret since i am not able to be with her...i feel traumatized by the incident and i am not able to love...im afraid of being heart broken..hahha...how pathetic...then years passed and i began to be able to love once again but sadly..this time i was the one who broke it..seems like long distance relationship doesn't suit me at all..well life goes on...though i haven't figure what it meant yet...
one thing for sure..for now...life is about living in IPG... spending each and every moment of my life to the fullest with my young friends... laughing with them.. crying with them... I wonder whether it's a blessing for me to have high sense of empathy..and sympathy... i feel great when people are having great time and i feel bad when people are sad (to the point that i can't sleep at night)...although i haven't found the meaning to life, simply being together with my friend, building a stable career and contributing to my family in the future will be the meaning of life to me at the moment....
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