Once upon my life...

I remember when I was a kid...I used to love reading so much, i spent my time reading everyday.. I remember the first book i read was Enid Blyton's fable, "The Faraway Tree" ...The moment i read it...I was like.... 0_0 I was mesmerized by the way she deliver her stories...
But as i grew up...all the experiences and the knowledge i gained;the painful one,the great one change the way i think...

Today as i look upon the sky, I wondered... What is my identity when it comes to writing??
How am I suppose to write?...

For the time being, I realised that whenever i wrote, i tend to write in a emotionally way whether it is a dark and gloomy mood or a bright mood and full of hope...

I wonder which is my real identity? Am i a person who wrote in a dark mood; questioning everything in life...believed that there's no easy thing in life... doubting..
or am i still the person i used to be? believing in God...believing in magical creatures...believing in hope,trust and friendship...believing that every single thing in life would be perfect...

I wonder whether i am still searching for my identity...I wonder who am i? Are these two thing a part of me?

I can only assume that the bright mood was a piece of my personality in the past; before i saw a glimpse of reality...before i began to loose faith in hope...which led to the dark mood; my current perception towards life...

I wish..I wish..I really wish that I can turn back the pendulum of life...so i can continue to believe and to hope...for hope was the thing that pushes people to their best;to move forward in life... but that was all but once upon my life...

Today in IPG...One of the BAD day

Today in Ipg Gaya...i accidentally ran into my friend when we played handball...i feel so bad about it...sorry fan~ aku nda sengaja bah...then it's ES..
"OH No!!! I forgot..today Miss Eva want to watch us perform the readers theater...i am quite ashamed of myself for coming unprepared... pronunciation and volume that's the most important thing that i must improved..

What really pissed me off was the Treasure Hunt event...Before anything, i want to stress that i am not blaming anyone for the problem that occurs BUT....I do appreciate if they understood that there's no such thing as perfection in this world...human move forward cause they are imperfect;pursuing knowledge to become perfect....

Do not simply let your mouth slip and accuse us doing a last minute work. Try putting yourself into our position,try doing all these thing that seemed very easy but in truth, IT IS HARD...
If you manage to do thing more better than us and if you think you can do all these thing in ease, then you can say that.

Do you think that planning the event was easy? Do you know that you must consider many factors in order to plan this event? Okay...If you said you were exhausted and feel cheated then how do you think we feel? Do you think that planning and pulling out this event was not exhausting???!!
Do you think it's very easy for us to redo all the thing when the planned venue was occupied??? To figure out how to use each and every resource we have..the place given to us..and try to make sure the objective of our game can be delivered into the society??

Hardwork, Patience, Unity, Preserverance and simply enjoying the games...that is the main objective of our game...to make you feel that you are a part of something big and not a part of your sad and pathetic life....don't take me wrong...Im not insulting you but each and every one of us live a sad and pathetic life..Our life only become something when you become a part of something... this is the truth..so live with it..


If you blame us for the technical problem then you are just wasting your time because you should blame your own incompetency as well as stupidity....if you are clever then you would have long realised that it was not us to blame cause we are all nothing but simply human..

weekends

Friday...Saturday..Sunday..

OMG..totally boring...i would like to sleep but my eyes wont let me...maybe it's because i took a nap for 2hours in the evening...my roommate jeff went back every weekends which means im alone at the room...last two week, i have company from haizat and depp..tee~hee this week they are sleeping at their own room..oo im alone..wakkaka

because my eye dosent allow me to sleep yet,,,i will be having anime marathon till im sleepy..yeah....!!!!
hopefully tomorrow morning, i will wake up early...planning to watch movie....

Once upon my life...

Since i can remember, I have always been a person who like to question things. For me,it is unacceptable to accept things the way it is without any proof. What is life? Who created life? Why do i live? These are among the question that pops out of my head as i grew up. I have been thinking about it since then and until today i still do...
My family have always taught me to be grateful because God has given me a chance to live in better times and places unlike them and my grandfather who strives in order to live in their times. My grandparents were a typical Dusun people. They lived and experienced how life was during the Japanese reign over Borneo. To them, Japanese people are brutal and savages. I do not blame them for thinking like that since they have only seen the dark side of the army; torturing people(their friends and families) by forcing them to drink soapy water and the worst there was, slaughtering and slicing their meat off alive till they died. If you think that was awful, there is more to it. The army drops off the meat at the victims family house and since at that time meat was a luxury...well just imagine what happen next...If all of these inhuman things happens at you, won't you be hating them as well? Hmm..i suppose i will hate those who does it but i believe not all of the Japanese are that inhuman.
Well afterward, the effect of the war to our country...and since in my mother time it was hard to support a big family( they have 9 people in family) , she was never given a chance to attend school since she have to work in order to help support her family from the age of 10. Every time i skipped school, she would be furious of me and start talking about how she who yearn to go to school was never given a chance and i, who was able to go to school with ease ungratefully skipped it. When she starts talking about the past, i can see her eyes looking sad, almost burst into tears and i will be feeling bad about myself. My mother is an incredible women you see, she has been working real hard and does a very good job nurturing her children since most of them have manage to go out into the society and able to live their life quite well...
It is not that i am not grateful to have lived in this time that can be considered quite peaceful.. it is just that i questioned what is life? what is the purpose of life? is it me or does everyone feels the same with me? it felt weird to live life without knowing what the purpose is...i still remember when i was little, before i know how to read, i have faith in god for i believe that he is the one who created life but as i grew up i began to lose faith on him. I mean, i do believe in him but most of the time, i argues about the fact in the bible...i mean aren't we suppose to not worship any statue or anything similar to it? but why does people worship god statue? these are the thing that i thought when i was 8 years old..then i learnt that those statue was a symbol of him, the cross symbolize his sacrifice for the human race...the symbol of pain and sin...but
Sometimes i felt that my life was programed, as if what i have done till now was staged...fake..but that change as i grew up...i first felt the taste of life when i found my first love...well its stupid but to me it was one of the most happiest thing that i can felt in life though it's short...if i can describe my feeling in term of taste then it probably was sweet and end with a bitter taste. I remember how she smile and how it captivate my heart..the way she shines with a glowing radiance..i say to myself..."She's the one" but sadly things don't go well as i expected..although it's sweet but good things never last...when i thought that i've found what life is...everything was back to square 1...for years i rebel..i felt the sorrow and rage inside my heart yet at the same time, i cant seem to face her cause whenever i see her..i felt the shame..the sweet moment..and the regret since i am not able to be with her...i feel traumatized by the incident and i am not able to love...im afraid of being heart broken..hahha...how pathetic...then years passed and i began to be able to love once again but sadly..this time i was the one who broke it..seems like long distance relationship doesn't suit me at all..well life goes on...though i haven't figure what it meant yet...

one thing for sure..for now...life is about living in IPG... spending each and every moment of my life to the fullest with my young friends... laughing with them.. crying with them... I wonder whether it's a blessing for me to have high sense of empathy..and sympathy... i feel great when people are having great time and i feel bad when people are sad (to the point that i can't sleep at night)...although i haven't found the meaning to life, simply being together with my friend, building a stable career and contributing to my family in the future will be the meaning of life to me at the moment....

The last thing that i want will always be the only thing i end up with...

As the title stated, "The last thing that i want will always be the only thing i end up with..."

Since i can remember, all the things that i labeled as my last choices will be the one that i end up with. In my young days, i used to say that i will never enroll into form six as at that moment i used to think that it's a waste of time and uncool but in the end, i end up enrolling into it anyway. I even decline the offer i get into the matriculation school which i was offered 2 years programs. Maybe it was just not my destiny since i only knew about it by the closure of the registration date. Most of my teachers at that time ran all over the school, chasing after me, trying as hard as they could to change my mind into going to matriculation school but all their effort was simply vain. By the time they meet with me, I had decided to just go with form six for transferring will likely be a hassle for me and hassle is the last thing that i want...(but it will always show up *sigh*).

Luckily my gamble turned out to be quite good as form six was not as bad as people think it is. I still have the leisure to relax and learns lot of new thing i never will if i had go to matric. Lets just say that it help me to become a bit more mature in dealing life.

Then there goes myself talking with my friend at form six about choosing our university. Knowing me, i simply said that any university will be fine by me as long as it's not in sabah or kelantan. With that said, finally few months after i said it, WALAH the result come out... i was offered banking at UMK which is located at Kelantan, the one place i don't want to be for some reason. ( Sorry to say but i don't favour PAS or most politic parties therefore NO)

As the result come out, i was shocked! My eyes felt as if they were going to pop out anytime, my body is sweating...cold and my hand was trembling...and there i goes clicking the refresh button...once...still the same
twice...same...third time..nothing changed...fourth time..sorry unable to proceed comes out...the line was busy anyway with thousand of STPM candidates across the country are online trying to check their application result...
"Oh my god...Is this really happening?" i said as my heart felt really heavy; as if the weight of the whole world was lifted by it. For days i cant eat well...i cant sleep well either....I was like a soulless being...a vessel without a soul...then i decide not to sweat about it as my sister has promised to help me change the university from UMK to UMS but i ask her to change to UMSKAL for at least it is not in Sabah. My days of calling UMK day by day to check whether my request for changing university can be fulfill and finally after almost three weeks of pressuring them, they give in to my request and i had successfully made a record; being the first student to change university without having to wait one semester.

As i enjoyed my day at KAL ( the day that i decided to check out the PTPTN ) , an unfamiliar number called me ( At that moment, i was waiting for my lecturer to register for the course ), its a number from KL or something like that. I answered it and it was actually from Kementerian Pelajaran Malaysia. The reason they had called me was to inform me that i have been given a chance to become a teacher. At that time i was shocked. Yes...I have tried to apply for it but i failed and Yes i have asked my sister to send a letter to KPM, begging to be given an opportunity to become a teacher ( used to say that last thing i will become is a teacher as well) but my sister forgot to send it...so i was feeling doubt whether to quit the international marketing program or continue...at last i decided that being a teacher gives a lot more benefit than studying at KAL..

Well you might call it a fluke or tada no guzen but be careful at what you might wish or said cause the last thing you want might be the only option you will have... Creepy isn't it?

Between Hate and Allowance

Between Hate and Allowance stands myself victimized by the situation, flicking the flame of anger inside others like the friction of two stick sparking flame when rubbed together. I look at their eyes and i saw disappointment, all the eyes that's used to be full of hope, now searching for something to channel all their rage and blame into one entity , truly saddening yet understandable that I can almost suffocate just by thinking about it.

What shall be done and what have been done, the more i think the more it all points to me.
"Oh God, what have i done and what have been done to me?" I asked.
I pray and try to listen but silence is all i can hear. Was it me or just my ego? I don't know anything at the moment as my mind keeps on spinning back and forth, wandering in the vast oceans of memories inside my thick block-headed brain.

Looking back at the incident,I asked them whether I shall fill in a new form or just do the initial and with ease they answered just do the initial. For listening to their instruction, I payed the price. I was asked to redo my form 3 days before semester break approximately 3 weeks after i submitted it with all the other student. Now, all of my batch will and definitely have been blaming me for not getting their allowance earlier for I am like a stone blocking the passage between their allowance and themselves which is now filled with hatred towards me.

From KAL to Gaya ,From marketing to being a teacher...

Is it just me or is life really a funny ironically...

When i was young a little boy,i found that being teacher is a troublesome job and too much of a hassle.These idea lasted until i went to form 6 and now I'm a teacher in training at IPG maktab gaya. don't you think it's funny?

Most of my family consist of teacher and that makes me know how was the life of those who're involved with this profession.Wouldn't it be much better if i just continue studying at KAL in International Marketing? Who knows?

This is the choice that I've made and I will keep on living up to it.Life to me are truly amusing...